The Golden Rule

When I heard about the shootings in Atlanta on Tuesday, I soon began playing in my head a song from childhood.  It became an earworm, which I still can't get out of my mind.  Called "Wun Long Pan," from The Blue Book of the John W. Schaum Piano Course series, it introduces students to sixteenth notes through the following lyrics:

"Wun Long Pan, Is famous Chinese Detective,
Wun Long Pan, He gives the crooks a chase.
Wun Long Pan, Is famous Chinese Detective,
Wun Long Pan, He always solves the case."

Here's the picture that accompanies this simple, clunky tune:

The year before I started piano lessons and learned to play "Wun Long Pan," my second-grade teacher taught us about Mao Zedong, whose name at the time was spelled in English as Mao Tse-tung.  He had most likely appeared in an issue of My Weekly Reader.  All I remember about this lesson is the way my teacher pronounced his name: Mayo Tease Tongue.

Wun Long Pan and Mayo Tease Tongue were my introductions to Chinese culture in the early 1960s.  The sad thing is I don't think much has changed since then.  Too many Americans wouldn't object to the illustration of Detective Pan, the absurdity of his name, or the disturbing syntax of the lyrics.  Moreover, newscasters and politicians continue to mispronounce Asian names, either as deliberate insults or as insensitive slights.  As one student said in response to a survey at the University of Alberta, "It is important for me to have my heritage name pronounced correctly because it makes me feel like I belong."

Exactly.  That's one of our main problems today.  Too many fellow citizens feel unwelcome and unworthy, as if they don't belong.  We can fix this, and it begins with respect: treating others as we would have them treat us.  Sound familiar? 

A Marjorie By Any Other Name . . .

Marjorie Taylor Greene, the notorious QAnon legislator from Georgia, is giving all of us Marjories a bad name.  Test your knowledge of some other notable namesakes:

1.    Marjorie Jacqueline Simpson

        A. Winner at Wimbledon in 1955.
        B. Full name of the title character in the 1950s TV show My Little
        Margie.
        C. Famous TV mom with blue hair.
        D. Early 20th-century American impressionist painter.

2.    Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings

        A. Author of The Yearling.
        B. Author of Harriet the Spy.
        C. Author of The Secret Garden.
        D. Author of A Tale of Two Cities.

3.    Marjorie Finlay

        A. Lead Disney animator for Bambi.
        B. Taylor Swift's grandmother.
        C. First woman aboard the International Space Station.
        D. Annie Oakley's mother.

4.    Marjorie Morningstar

        A. Owner of MorningStar Farms grocery line.
        B. First woman to serve in Congress.
        C. Mother in My Friend Flicka.
        D. Novel by Herman Wouk.

5.    Marjorie Eileen Dursley

        A. Fred Flintstone's aunt.
        B. Harry Potter's aunt.
        C. Leslie Knope's aunt.
        D. Princess Leia's aunt.

How'd you do?  Answers below.

1.  C
2.  A
3.  B
4.  D
5.  B

Step aside, Marjorie Taylor Greene.  You've disgraced our name, and we're taking it back!

Hatred

The voice that left the message was course and vile. "Ain't none of your business how I'm registered . . . I'd never vote for a Democrat, they're all crooked and stupid . . . Don't ever send anything to me again."  

Really?  This in response to a friendly, straightforward Get-out-the-Vote letter that my daughter and I sent to fellow Durham Democrats in our neighborhood.

So it's okay that people make calls like this? to a neighbor no less?  Especially when you're a registered Democrat who would logically receive such a letter?  I don't know why she's chosen to register as she has, perhaps to vote more effectively in local primary elections, but she shouldn't be surprised to get mailings from the Democratic Party.  What bothered me the most, though, was the hate in her voice.  Why not a simple, polite call that asks me to remove her from my mailing list?

I was watching the funeral service for Congressman John Lewis when the call came in and fortunately didn't answer.  The anger I felt simply listening to the message was hard enough to contain.  I felt like calling her back with an equally hateful response or sending her a demeaning letter.  But I thought instead about John Lewis:  his humiliations, his arrests, and his beatings.  The hatred he endured over a lifetime of 80 years dwarfed my bad encounter with a neighbor.  Like him, I wouldn't let this experience poison me.

Still, it's hard to know what to do with hate.  Martin Luther King, Jr., would counsel love.  Others, forgiveness.  For me, it's enough to say that I might understand my neighbor if I had lived her life.  And while I won't exactly turn the other cheek, I'll refrain from meeting hate with hate.  It's the best I can do right now.

Random Thoughts, 4th of July Weekend

I've always wanted to see Mount Rushmore, in part because I like Alfred Hitchcock's North by Northwest.  But not anymore.  The land belongs to the Lakota, the sculptor was a white supremacist, and the carved faces (a quartet that's never made sense to me) insult the lives and history of native Americans.

If Donald Trump wants to call his opposition an angry mob whose behavior defines the word "totalitarianism," then he can very well learn how to pronounce it.

The Washington Redskins should have changed their name decades ago.  Given the recent outcry of protest across the country, FedEx and Nike have pulled their support, and it looks like the name will finally change.  Two of the team's main corporate sponsors, their money made the difference.  I guess we should celebrate this?

Mandy Cohen, North Carolina's Secretary of Health and Human Services, lamented our state's lack of chemical reagents to run more coronavirus tests, but we need help from the federal government to do so.  "We can't solve that problem from the state level," she said.  In the midst of this pandemic, do Trump's idolatrous crowds in Tulsa and the Black Hills have any idea how morally and criminally negligent his administration has been?

My mother and I watched two episodes of The Dick Van Dyke Show on Friday night in memory of Carl Reiner, who produced the show and occasionally appeared in it.  Dick Van Dyke and Mary Tyler Moore are two of my favorite comedians, and we laughed and laughed.  It felt good.

Sky Over Chapel Hill

"The soul can split the sky in two and let the face of God shine through."

- Edna St. Vincent Millay

Gastrolinguistics

When I recently had an episode of what seemed like acid reflux, I consulted the next morning with my primary care physician--the internet.  Lots of sites popped up with descriptions of symptoms, treatments, risk factors, and the like, but what interested me most were the words themselves--ugly and unpleasant.  As I've written before, the medical profession seems especially taken with nasty words.  Here are some new definitions for the words that constitute the world of acid reflux and its more serious counterpart, GERD (gastroesophageal reflux disorder):

GERD--A nickname for Gertrude

Acid reflux--A series of repetitive LSD trips

Dyspepsia--The act of dissing Pepsi in favor of Coke

Regurgitation--The recitation of Gregorian chants

Lower esophageal sphincter--the part of the sphinx where the human head meets the lion's body

Hiatal hernia--a shell necklace made by indigenous Hawaiians

Dysphasia--A phase of the moon when the earth is most distant from the sun

Barium swallow--A species of aerial-feeding birds native to the barrier islands of Virginia and North Carolina

Esophageal manometry--A measuring device used to determine the age of Aesop's Fables

Endoscopy--A close examination of "Endymion," a poem by John Keats

America the Pitiful

The older I get the harder it is to accept the murder of children.  What kind of society doesn't take care of its kids, doing whatever it can to keep them safe?  The death of the little boy in Boston on Monday and the defeat of gun control measures last night have piled on top of each other, leaving me heartsick for all of us.  I keep thinking of John Crowe Ransom's poem "Bells for John Whiteside's Daughter," which captures the vitality of childhood abruptly cut off:

"There was such speed in her little body,   

And such lightness in her footfall,   

It is no wonder her brown study

Astonishes us all.

Her wars were bruited in our high window.   

We looked among orchard trees and beyond   

Where she took arms against her shadow,   

Or harried unto the pond

The lazy geese, like a snow cloud

Dripping their snow on the green grass,   

Tricking and stopping, sleepy and proud,   

Who cried in goose, Alas,

For the tireless heart within the little   

Lady with rod that made them rise

From their noon apple-dreams and scuttle   

Goose-fashion under the skies!

But now go the bells, and we are ready,   

In one house we are sternly stopped

To say we are vexed at her brown study,   

Lying so primly propped."

 

Vexed and astonished by the events of the week. What are we to make

of our callous country?

Tax Talk

Here's a vocabulary quiz in honor of tax day.  Choose the best definition from the options below.

1040
A. A nautical term of confirmation, as in "Over and out" or "OK."
B. A nontoxic cleaning agent.
C. The standard IRS form that individuals use to file their income tax returns.

Dual status alien
A. A bisexual Martian.
B. Two flying saucers attached together.
C. A tax status for individuals filing returns.

IRS
A. An Irish revolutionary organization.
B. An online dating service.
C. The Internal Revenue Service.

Head of household
A. What most American males think they are.
B. What most American males--in reality--aren't.
C. A filing status for individual taxpayers.

1099
A. The year of the Battle of Hastings.
B. A position from the Kama Sutra.
C. A form used to report a variety of taxable income.

Qualifying child
A. A child over the age of 8 who competes in the Olympic games.
B. A child under the age of 8 who secures early admission to Harvard.
C. A child of any age who meets certain IRS criteria and may provide tax benefits to a taxpayer.

Third party designee
A. The third person in a menage a trois.
B. The head of the Green Party USA.
C. A person authorized to discuss another person's tax return.

Did you guess "C" each time?  If so, you don't have to file your return today.  You've demonstrated superior understanding of the American tax code, for which your government thanks you.  Congratulations!  H & R Block wants you.

Duke Gardens Reflections

 "And this, our life, exempt from public haunt, finds tongues in trees, books in the running brooks, sermons in stones, and good in everything."

~ William Shakespeare, As You Like It

Helen Borus

Here's my helleborus. . .



. . . which reminds me of a story about my friend Mary.  When she started confirmation class at our church years ago, the minister met with both the kids and their parents at the first meeting.  In giving an overview of our theology, he said, "We're not a church that believes in hell and damnation."

Puzzled by this statement, Mary turned to her mother and whispered, "Helen who?"

So here's to Helen Damnation, whoever she is, and a plant that shares her etymology.

Papal Vocabulary

As the excitement builds and we await the election of a new pope, let's pause and test our knowledge of the words surrounding this historic event.  Choose the best definition from the options below:

College of Cardinals
A) A flock of red birds in Harvard Yard
B) A Catholic preparatory school in St. Louis, Missouri
C) The body of cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church

Holy See
A) A third, invisible eye in the back of a pope's head
B) An exclamation, as in "Holy cow" or "Holy Smoke"
C) The papal court

Papal bull
A) A small, bovine animal native to Papua, New Guinea
B) The intrusive, out-of-touch dictates announced periodically by the Vatican
C) A formal proclamation issued by the pope

Sedia gestatoria
A) An inflammation of the intestines
B) A sedimentary rock
C) A portable throne used to carry popes

Pontiff
A) A large dog that guarded the Ponte Vecchio in medieval Florence
B) A small, cargo-carrying vessel of the Venetian lagoon
C) The pope

Zucchetto
A) An Italian confection
B) A male prostitute
C) A small, round skullcap worn by Roman Catholic clerics

Antipope
A) The devil
B) A typical American Catholic
C) A person established as pope in opposition to the one canonically chosen

Conclave
A) A cylindrical tool used in welding
B) A mathematical concept of set theory
C) The assembly of cardinals for the election of a pope

Papal encyclical
A) An over-sized bicycle
B) A condensed encyclopedia
C) A papal letter addressed to the bishops of the Church

Triregnum
A) The three kings of the Christmas story
B) An ingredient in chewing gum
C) The papal tiara

If you guessed "C" each time, you have a seat awaiting you in the Sistine Chapel.   Congratulations!  Don't forget to wear your zucchetto, and if you're lucky, you might get carried out in a sedia gestatoria.

Medical Malapropisms

January and February are big medical months for me, when I immerse myself in the world of doctors and dentists.  Though I find the language of medicine largely unappealing, yesterday I came upon the word "osteopenia" and realized that it was an unusually pretty word whose definition doesn't match the way it sounds.  So here are some proposed alternative definitions for words from my medical records, making the unpleasant perhaps a bit more pleasant:

Osteopenia--an island off the coast of Italy

Phlebotomist--a Medieval botanist

Mammographer--one who charts the migrations of whales

Bitewings--yellow-crested birds native to Belarus

Neoplasm--A premature baby platypus

Cecal polyps--Underwater caverns ringing the Galapagos

Carcinoma--Female Spanish filmmaker

Ileum--A Greek melodic tune

Mucosal--Of or pertaining to the coastline of Muscat

Atypical nevus--A blue star visible only in the southern hemisphere

Words Without Meaning

Sometimes there's not much to say.  Though words pile on top of each other, nothing adds up.  Even nasal is misspelled.

But to quote my latest favorite heroine, Scarlett O'Hara, "Tomorrow is another day."

The Rain in Spain: Speech Lessons for Mitt Romney

Following Thursday's post, we turn to Professor Higgins and Eliza Doolittle from My Fair Lady as they sing "The Rain in Spain."  Professor Higgins, played here by Mitt Romney's campaign manager Matt Rhoades, is teaching Eliza Doolittle--now Mitt Romney--how to speak "regular guy" language.

Mitt: Americans are known for playing sports.
Matt: I think he's got it! I think he's got it! 
Mitt: Americans are known for playing sports.
Matt: By George, he's got it! By George, he's got it!  Now once again, what do we play?
Mitt: It's sports, not sport.
Matt: And what's that blasted sport?
Mitt: Football!  Football!
Both: Americans are known for playing sports, Americans are known for playing sports.

Matt: In Boston, Washington, and Phoenix?
Mitt: Sport just doesn't happen.  (How kind of you to let me speak.)
Matt: Now once again, where do we play?
Mitt: On the fields!  On the fields!
Matt: And what's that blasted sport?
Mitt: Football!  Football!
Both: Americans are known for playing sports, Americans are known for playing sports.  

Idiomatic Mitt

After watching Stephen Colbert skewer Mitt Romney for his use of the word "sport" instead of "sports," I propose a new Constitutional amendment: All persons running for President of the United States must demonstrate idiomatic use of the language.

If you missed Colbert's report this week, he showed a clip where Romney describes having met a tall man, "a great big guy, seven feet tall. . . And he started a business.  Of course you know it was in basketball.  But it wasn't in basketball!  I mean, I figured he had to be in sport, but he wasn't in sport."  Since when does anyone speak like this?  Not since the mid-20th century, according to Tim Murphy of Mother Jones, who notes also that Mitt used this anachronistic expression repeatedly in his 2004 book Turnaround.

What are we to make of Mitt?  Is he a bad sport or a bad sports?

Or more to the point, can he speak our language?

Rick Perry Enters the Race

Based on "I do not like thee, Doctor Fell," a Mother Goose poem:

I do not like thee, Governor Perry,
With you as prez I'd feel quite wary
Of how you'd manage climate change
And how you'd treat poor Ben Bernan-ky.

Words to Live By

The Reverend Paul Byer, my childhood minister at Salem United Church of Christ in Doylestown, Pennsylvania, often concluded Sunday services with this benediction:

Go forth into the world in peace.
Be of good courage.
Hold fast that which is good.
Render to no one evil for evil.
Strengthen the faint-hearted,
Support the weak,
Help the afflicted,
Honor all people.
Love and serve the Lord
Rejoicing in the power of the Holy Spirit.

Instructions for life that celebrate its mystery. I'm glad I grew up with these words etched in my memory.

Parenting Skills

During Barack Obama's news conference last week, he made the following statement about his daughters: "Malia and Sasha generally finish their homework a day ahead of time," the President said. "They don’t wait until the night before. They’re not pulling all-nighters."

When asked in a follow-up interview to explain these remarks, political adviser David Axelrod suggested that perhaps President Obama was "just expressing pride in his own parenting skills."

Whenever I hear the term "parenting skills," I wince. What exactly are these skills and how do you acquire them? And are we to give Barack Obama credit for the fact that his kids aren't procrastinators? Perhaps this trait is simply genetic. Or maybe Malia and Sasha have watched too many friends panic on the night before a project is due and don't want to live this way. Or did one of their teachers instill this habit in them?

So it goes with so-called "parenting skills." Who knows how kids turn out the way they do? It's typical, I think, of our narcissistic culture to take credit where none is due.

Give it up. We all have less influence than we think.

Blessings

On a trip last week with my mother and daughter--amidst all the background noise of thoughtless politicians threatening to shut down our government--we stopped to visit my niece at St. Mary's College in Maryland. This poem by Lucille Clifton, printed on a wall in the Campus Center, stopped me (and silenced all that noise).

blessing the boats
by Lucille Clifton

(at St. Mary's)

may the tide
that is entering even now
the lip of our understanding
carry you out
beyond the face of fear
may you kiss
the wind then turn from it
certain that it will
love your back--may you
open your eyes to water
water waving forever
and may you in your innocence
sail through this to that

American Health, Meet Congressional Republicans

Sometimes I think the House Republicans and I have a relationship similar to the one captured in that old book title, Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus. Our views couldn't be more opposite, which stood out yesterday as I read accounts of budget cuts proposed by these creatures from Mars.

Can there be any doubt that they're mounting an assault on our health? According to an article in Politico, congressional Republicans hope to cut funds significantly from the EPA, the WIC nutrition program, and the National Institute of Health. We already know about their wish to repeal, defund, and destroy the health care legislation of 2010, and, not surprisingly, they're now targeting abortion access. The New York Times reports of one bill that would even "permit hospitals to refuse abortions to women, even in emergency situations, if such care would offend the conscience of the health care providers." (This is not the same bill that narrows the definition of rape--in permitting federal funds for abortions--to "forcible rape.")

If protecting its people is not the fundamental role of government, then I'm not sure what is. The EPA seeks to keep our air and water clean; the WIC program provides nutrition for pregnant women and children; the NIH funds research to cure and prevent disease; the health care legislation protects us from predatory insurance companies and from discrimination; and abortion measures protect women's rights.

I guess these crusading Republicans really aren't from Mars, but they sure have a different definition of "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness." Where I come from life means just that--staying alive and staying well.

Marshalling our country's resources to keep its citizens safe and healthy should be the work of our elected officials. When they renege on this, they're not doing their job.