Papal Parody

Our papal plot has come to an end, and so we sing one final song to the tune of "Don't Cry For Me, Argentina," from Evita:

Give us a pope, Argentina
The truth is we need a new way
To preach our message
Without distraction
Of crimes and scandal
You know what I mean.

We had to let it happen
We had to change
Couldn't keep the same old Euro popes
Blessing us from the window
Praying out in the sun
So we chose Francis
Hoping for sure that he'd clean up the mess
He's modest, impressing us all
We never expected him to.

Give us a pope, Argentina
The truth is we need a new way
To preach our message
Without distraction
Of crimes and scandal
You know what I mean.

Go Cardinals!

Looks like we may have a new pope this time next week.  Until then, let's cheer on the process.  Here's a papal rendition of "Take Me Out to the Ball Game":

Take me out to the conclave
Take me out to the show
Find me a cardinal who's scandal-free
Restore my faith in the Holy See
Let me root, root, root for a new pope
For one who'll clean out the house
For we NEED MORE GOOD and less sin
In the VAT-I-CAN.

Papal Vocabulary

As the excitement builds and we await the election of a new pope, let's pause and test our knowledge of the words surrounding this historic event.  Choose the best definition from the options below:

College of Cardinals
A) A flock of red birds in Harvard Yard
B) A Catholic preparatory school in St. Louis, Missouri
C) The body of cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church

Holy See
A) A third, invisible eye in the back of a pope's head
B) An exclamation, as in "Holy cow" or "Holy Smoke"
C) The papal court

Papal bull
A) A small, bovine animal native to Papua, New Guinea
B) The intrusive, out-of-touch dictates announced periodically by the Vatican
C) A formal proclamation issued by the pope

Sedia gestatoria
A) An inflammation of the intestines
B) A sedimentary rock
C) A portable throne used to carry popes

Pontiff
A) A large dog that guarded the Ponte Vecchio in medieval Florence
B) A small, cargo-carrying vessel of the Venetian lagoon
C) The pope

Zucchetto
A) An Italian confection
B) A male prostitute
C) A small, round skullcap worn by Roman Catholic clerics

Antipope
A) The devil
B) A typical American Catholic
C) A person established as pope in opposition to the one canonically chosen

Conclave
A) A cylindrical tool used in welding
B) A mathematical concept of set theory
C) The assembly of cardinals for the election of a pope

Papal encyclical
A) An over-sized bicycle
B) A condensed encyclopedia
C) A papal letter addressed to the bishops of the Church

Triregnum
A) The three kings of the Christmas story
B) An ingredient in chewing gum
C) The papal tiara

If you guessed "C" each time, you have a seat awaiting you in the Sistine Chapel.   Congratulations!  Don't forget to wear your zucchetto, and if you're lucky, you might get carried out in a sedia gestatoria.

Papal Pomp

This pope--I mean post--is irreverent, but I can't help it.  I love it when a new pope is chosen, especially the smoke that announces the election results.  It's the Medieval version of "one if by land, two if by sea."  Sing to the tune of "Smoke Gets In Your Eyes":

Popes, they will come and go
Johns and Pauls you know
At the Vatican
Where they dwell in sin
Who this time will win?

The Cardinals will meet
Taking each a seat
Voting by and by
Even when a tie
Smoke blows from on high.

So the bishops come into the town
To find a new pope for us
If they don't, the smoke blows very black
We are without a pope.

But, if the smoke is white
And it's very bright
Then there's a decree
A new pope to be
Smokin' Holy See.