A Marjorie By Any Other Name . . .

Marjorie Taylor Greene, the notorious QAnon legislator from Georgia, is giving all of us Marjories a bad name.  Test your knowledge of some other notable namesakes:

1.    Marjorie Jacqueline Simpson

        A. Winner at Wimbledon in 1955.
        B. Full name of the title character in the 1950s TV show My Little
        Margie.
        C. Famous TV mom with blue hair.
        D. Early 20th-century American impressionist painter.

2.    Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings

        A. Author of The Yearling.
        B. Author of Harriet the Spy.
        C. Author of The Secret Garden.
        D. Author of A Tale of Two Cities.

3.    Marjorie Finlay

        A. Lead Disney animator for Bambi.
        B. Taylor Swift's grandmother.
        C. First woman aboard the International Space Station.
        D. Annie Oakley's mother.

4.    Marjorie Morningstar

        A. Owner of MorningStar Farms grocery line.
        B. First woman to serve in Congress.
        C. Mother in My Friend Flicka.
        D. Novel by Herman Wouk.

5.    Marjorie Eileen Dursley

        A. Fred Flintstone's aunt.
        B. Harry Potter's aunt.
        C. Leslie Knope's aunt.
        D. Princess Leia's aunt.

How'd you do?  Answers below.

1.  C
2.  A
3.  B
4.  D
5.  B

Step aside, Marjorie Taylor Greene.  You've disgraced our name, and we're taking it back!

Nursery Rhyme Nuptials

What a week at the Supreme Court.  One day we're down, the next day we're up.  Here's a ditty to celebrate the rulings on same-sex marriage.  Sing to the tune of "Jack and Jill" from Mother Goose Rhymes.

Joan and Jill
Went to the Hill
To see if they could marry.
Joan found out
There was no doubt
And so could Tom and Harry.

Deen Cuisine

It's hard not to move when Michael Jackson sings "Billie Jean," especially in this video as he performs the first moonwalk.  I thought of this song yesterday when I read that Southern cook Paula Deen had been dropped from the Food Network.  Anyone who cooks a cheeseburger sandwiched between two doughnuts deserves her own song.  Sing to the tune of "Billie Jean":

She was more like a cooking queen on the TV screen
I said don't mind, but what do you cook? I am the one
Who will eat all this junk that's prepared.
She said I am the one who will cook what I want on this show.

She told me her name was Paula Deen and she caused a scene
'Cause every head turned with eyes that dreamed of being the one
Who would eat all this junk that's prepared.

People always told her be careful of what you say
Don't go around making racist jokes
And Matt Lauer asked her to come down to his show
But she was too tired and cancelled her plans
Hey, hey, hey

Well, Paula Deen was dropped for good
She's just a girl who cooks with lots of bad stuff
Like sugar, cream, and fat
She cooks really bad stuff
With sugar, cream, and fat.

She cooks really bad stuff
With sugar, cream, and fat.

Can't Stop Singing 'bout Those Unborn Babies

The House Judiciary Committee approved a bill this week, sponsored not surprisingly by the Republicans, called the Pain-Capable Unborn Child Protection Act.  What are these people thinking, if they're thinking at all?  Here's a song that might explain their mindset.  Sing to the tune of "I've Been Working on the Railroad":

We've been working on abortion
All the live-long day,
We've been working on abortion
Just to pass the time away.
Can't you hear the liberals moaning
Heaping on their endless scorn?
We'll pretend we cannot hear them
As we save the unborn.

Women don't you know?
Women don't you know?
Women don't you know that we're in charge?
Women don't you know?
Women don't you know?
Women we're in charge of you.

Someone's getting pregnant right now-ow
Someone's getting pregnant we know-oh-oh-oh
Someone's getting pregnant right now-ow
Someone who just couldn't say no.

We're singing
We'll save li'l embryos
We'll save li'l embryos-ohs-ohs-ohs
We'll save li'l embryos
Forgetting 'bout their mothers' woes.

Gastrolinguistics

When I recently had an episode of what seemed like acid reflux, I consulted the next morning with my primary care physician--the internet.  Lots of sites popped up with descriptions of symptoms, treatments, risk factors, and the like, but what interested me most were the words themselves--ugly and unpleasant.  As I've written before, the medical profession seems especially taken with nasty words.  Here are some new definitions for the words that constitute the world of acid reflux and its more serious counterpart, GERD (gastroesophageal reflux disorder):

GERD--A nickname for Gertrude

Acid reflux--A series of repetitive LSD trips

Dyspepsia--The act of dissing Pepsi in favor of Coke

Regurgitation--The recitation of Gregorian chants

Lower esophageal sphincter--the part of the sphinx where the human head meets the lion's body

Hiatal hernia--a shell necklace made by indigenous Hawaiians

Dysphasia--A phase of the moon when the earth is most distant from the sun

Barium swallow--A species of aerial-feeding birds native to the barrier islands of Virginia and North Carolina

Esophageal manometry--A measuring device used to determine the age of Aesop's Fables

Endoscopy--A close examination of "Endymion," a poem by John Keats

Wedding Plan Blues

"Wedding Bell Blues," written by Laura Nyro and produced by "The 5th Dimension," spent 3 weeks in 1969 in the #1 spot on the U. S. pop singles chart.  I thought of it this week when I was in the thick of wedding plans for my daughter Madeleine, referred to below as "Mad."  Here goes:

Mad, I love you so, I always will
I look at you and see the child born in May
Oh, but what a trip it is to plan your wedding day.
I am on the phone now making arrangements
Keeping track of details and all the payments
But nothing will stop me worrying 'til you marry him, Mad

I love you so, I always will
And in your voice I hear a choir of carousels
Oh, but are we ever gonna hear your wedding bells?
I am the one who is reading contracts and packets
Stealing myself to the sales pitch and to the rackets
But nothing will stop me worrying 'til you marry him, Mad

I love you so, I always will
And though devotion rules my heart I take no bows
But Mad are you ever gonna take those wedding vows?
Oh, come on Mad
Oh, come on Mad
Come on and marry him, Mad
I got the wedding plan blues
Please marry him, Mad
I got the wedding plan blues.

House at Chris Corner

Kenny Loggins wrote a lovely song called "House at Pooh Corner," which he performed in 1971 with Jim Messina.  (If you don't know it, click here for a delightful rendition--and a trip back in time.)  I thought of this song when I saw images of Barack Obama and Chris Christie at the Jersey shore again this week.  The two of them remind me of Christopher Robin and Pooh, who are celebrated in the song.  Unlike the original tune, my version is sung entirely from the point of view of the Pooh character, that is, Chris Christie:

Mr. Obama and I walked along
the New Jersey coast just this past week
Now that we're buddies we see eye to eye
On disasters and FEMA relief.
But I've wandered much farther this week than I should
From my GOP roots--it's my old neighborhood.

So help me if you can I've got to get
Back to the party that voted for me
You'd be surprised how the GOP feels
I'm now a traitor for sure
They'd like to show me the door.
Before the days of Mr. Obama and Chris.

Barack the Prez always knows what to do
When the people get hit by a storm
He came to Jersey with help and advice
And he always makes good on his word.
So I sent him away with a new teddy bear
He's my friend, after all, which I know is so rare.

So help me if you can I've got to get
Back to the party that voted for me
You'd be surprised how the GOP feels
I'm now a traitor for sure
They'd like to show me the door.
Before the days of Mr. Obama,
Before the days of Mr. Obama,
Back to the days of Chris.

Tarmac Times

Yesterday I got to do something I haven't done in a long time--see someone off at the airport from inside the airlines gate.  Ever since September 11 we've had to drop people off--pull up to the curb, unload their bags, and speed away.  But since Miranda flew as an unaccompanied minor ("UMMMMMM," as we call her) to Boston last night, I was able to be with her until she boarded her plane.

Here's a song to celebrate the memory of old times at the airport.  Sing to the tune of Peter, Paul & Mary's "Leaving on a Jet Plane":

So your bags are packed, you're ready to go
I'm standing here inside the gate
Watching all the planes glide in and out
But they haven't called your row just yet
The pilot's smokin' a cigarette
Already I'm so sad to see you go.

So kiss me and smile for me
Turn around and wave at me
Let me know that you'll be back again
You're leavin' on that jet plane
The one that's on the tarmac now
I'll wait and watch you go.

There's so many times I dropped you off
When the TSA don't let you stop
I tell you now, they've changed everything
For we're all potential terrorists
With suspicious shoes and underwear
We're patted down, it's all too much to bear.

So kiss me and smile for me
Turn around and wave at me
Let me know that you'll be back again
You're leavin' on that jet plane
The one that's on the tarmac now
I'll wait and watch you go.

Ants on the Move

When I told our electrician this week that I was battling ants, he replied, "Who isn't?"  I guess I'm not alone.  Here's a song about this latest invasion, a version of "The Ants Go Marching":

The ants go marching ten by ten, hurrah, hurrah,
The ants go marching ten by ten, hurrah, hurrah,
The ants go marching ten by ten
I see they're back in my house again
And they all go marching down to the ground to get out of my way.
Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom.

The ants go marching eight by eight, hurrah, hurrah,
The ants go marching eight by eight, hurrah, hurrah,
The ants go marching eight by eight
I set out traps that are filled with bait
And they all go marching down to the ground to get out of my way.
Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom.

The ants go marching six by six, hurrah, hurrah,
The ants go marching six by six, hurrah, hurrah,
The ants go marching six by six,
I smash two more with a ton of bricks
And they all go marching down to the ground to get out of my way.
Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom.

The ants go marching four by four, hurrah, hurrah,
The ants go marching four by four, hurrah, hurrah,
The ants go marching four by four
I think it's time to declare a war
And they all go marching down to the ground to get out of my way.
Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom.

The ants go marching two by two, hurrah, hurrah,
The ants go marching two by two, hurrah, hurrah,
The ants go marching two by two
I flush them both right down the loo
And they all go marching down to the ground to get out of my way.
Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom.

The ants go marching zero by zero, hurrah, hurrah,
The ants go marching zero by zero, hurrah, hurrah,
The ants go marching zero by zero
I now declare myself a hero
'Til they all come marching up from the ground to get back in my way.
Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom.

The Royal Redhead

What's not to like about Prince Harry?  The pictures from Washington are delightful.  Here's a song to celebrate his visit--sing to the tune of that old summer camp song "Bingo":

There was a prince who came to town
And Harry was his name, Oh!
H  A  R  R  Y
H  A  R  R  Y
H  A  R  R  Y
And Harry was his name, Oh!

The locals oohed and aahed they did
As Harry toured the sites, Oh!
*  A  R  R  Y
*  A  R  R  Y
*  A  R  R  Y
And Harry was his name, Oh!

He toured the town with John McCain,
Two warriors together.
*  *  R  R  Y
*  *  R  R  Y
*  *  R  R  Y
and Harry was his name, Oh!

He and Michelle became fast friends,
They bonded at the White House.
*  *  *  R  Y
*  *  *  R  Y
*  *  *  R  Y
And Harry was his name, Oh!

He has his mother's charm, he does
In visits with the soldiers.
*  *  *  *  Y
*  *  *  *  Y
*  *  *  *  Y
And Harry was his name, Oh!

Americans like royalty
And Harry fits the bill, Oh!
*  *  *  *  *
*  *  *  *  *
*  *  *  *  *
And Harry was his name, Oh!

Sanford Saga

What can you say about former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, one of the creepier politicians in the news these days?  He should have exited quietly, following his North Carolina counterpart John Edwards.  But he didn't.

Here's James Taylor's lovely song "Carolina In My Mind," twisted into a tale of Sanford sleaze:

"In my mind I'm going to Carolina.  Can't you see Mark Sanford, can't you just see his soul mate?
And ain't it just like a guy like him to put his ego first?  Yes, I'm going to Carolina for some sleaze.

Jenny, she's the jilted wife, she just charged her ex with trespassing,
He was standing on her porch.
A cellphone flashlight in his hand has left him guilty, and he went to Carolina by mistake.

There ain't no doubt he should have walked the Appy Trail as he first claimed
'stead of meeting his soul mate.
And hey, babe, it's Argentina calling to him, but it's Carolina where he should have been.

So for now he's running in Carolina.  Can't you tell he's nutty?  Can't you just tell he's too loose?
And it ain't it just like this governor to run a rambling ad? 
It's the Alamo he thinks he's up against.

Going to Carolina for to win.  Yes, he'll win in Carolina in his mind.

Decision Making 101

At the new George W. Bush Presidential Library and Museum, visitors to an interactive theater decide how they would respond to some of the challenges that faced the 43rd president.  Here's a slight twist to this game.  Pretend you are President Bush and choose in each case below the answer that best describes the action he took.

1. Terrorists primarily from Saudi Arabia and financed by operatives in Afghanistan destroy the World Trade Center in New York, killing 3,000 people.  In response, you decide to attack which of the following countries:

A. Germany

B. Zimbabwe

C. Iceland

D. Iraq

2. Once you decide to invade Iraq, you need to come up with an explanation for this unexpected move.  You invent the following scenario:

A. The Iraqi government is poised to land a manned space shuttle on Mars.

B. A group of Iraqi school children threatened publicly to throw 50 pairs of shoes (that once belonged to Imelda Marcos) at you.

C. Gold has been discovered near Basra.

D. Saddam Hussein has acquired weapons of mass destruction.

3. You begin to capture suspects in your so-called "War on Terror."  You take which of the following actions:

A. Read the prisoners their Miranda rights.

B. Appoint defense lawyers.

C. Reread the Geneva Convention.

D. Ignore the international ban on torture and set up secret detention sites.

4. A major hurricane devastates the Gulf Coast of the United States.  You act quickly in the following way:

A. Watch CNN's coverage of people stranded at the Superdome in New Orleans and wonder if the World Series is under way.

B. Watch Al Jazeera's coverage of Americans sleeping on luggage conveyors at the New Orleans airport and wonder if this isn't a third world country by mistake.

C. Watch NBC's coverage of the failure of the levees throughout the city and find yourself humming "American Pie"--"drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry/Them good ol' boys were drinking whiskey and rye/Singing this'll be the the day that I die."

D. Watch the mayhem below from the comfort of your private presidential helicopter--seemingly disengaged and uninterested.

5. As the hurricane devastation unfolds, you compliment which of your advisers in the following way:

A. "Dick, You're as close to Voldemort as they come."

B. "Condi, You play the piano beautifully."

C. "Rummy, Thank you for reminding us of both the known unknowns and the unknown unknowns."

D. "Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job."

If you answered "D" in each case, congratulations!  You've won a day's free pass to the George W. Bush Presidential Library and Museum in Dallas.

W

Here's a song in honor of the opening of the George W. Bush Presidential Library this week.  Sing to the tune of "Georgy Girl":

Hey there!  W!
Why is it that you don't seem so bad?
Is it 'cause we don't remember all
Of the harm you caused our country.

Hey there!  W!
Why have you been so ignored thus far?
Is it 'cause you left a mess that nobody can clean up?
You always seemed lighthearted, you never seemed too upset
With Dick and Rummy running the show, a little bit.

Hey there!  W!
There's a different side of you displayed
If we go to SMU and
Visit your new museum
The world will see a new W.

Don't cry, W!
Cheer up, W!

Tax Talk

Here's a vocabulary quiz in honor of tax day.  Choose the best definition from the options below.

1040
A. A nautical term of confirmation, as in "Over and out" or "OK."
B. A nontoxic cleaning agent.
C. The standard IRS form that individuals use to file their income tax returns.

Dual status alien
A. A bisexual Martian.
B. Two flying saucers attached together.
C. A tax status for individuals filing returns.

IRS
A. An Irish revolutionary organization.
B. An online dating service.
C. The Internal Revenue Service.

Head of household
A. What most American males think they are.
B. What most American males--in reality--aren't.
C. A filing status for individual taxpayers.

1099
A. The year of the Battle of Hastings.
B. A position from the Kama Sutra.
C. A form used to report a variety of taxable income.

Qualifying child
A. A child over the age of 8 who competes in the Olympic games.
B. A child under the age of 8 who secures early admission to Harvard.
C. A child of any age who meets certain IRS criteria and may provide tax benefits to a taxpayer.

Third party designee
A. The third person in a menage a trois.
B. The head of the Green Party USA.
C. A person authorized to discuss another person's tax return.

Did you guess "C" each time?  If so, you don't have to file your return today.  You've demonstrated superior understanding of the American tax code, for which your government thanks you.  Congratulations!  H & R Block wants you.

Sweet Congressman

With budget negotiations about to begin in Washington--in all their absurdity--I'm reminded of "Big Spender" from the musical Sweet Charity.  This song's about Paul Ryan:

The minute he walked in the House
I could see he was a man on a mission
A real cost cutter
Good looking, soulful eyes
Say wouldn't you like to know what's going on in his mind?

So let me get right to the point
He would give tax breaks to all the richest folks
Hey Paul Ryan
Spend a little dough on us.

My Fair Neighbors

So this is a lighthearted reflection on the walks I take each morning in my neighborhood, where I pass people that I don't know very well.  We have a nodding acquaintance, you might say, and so I salute these fellow travelers of the dawn.  Sing to the tune of "On the Street Where You Live" from My Fair Lady:

I have often walked down this street before
And I see the same old neighbors as I saw before
There are dog walkers and the solo ones
Some who speak, some who nod, some who don't.
There are two nice guys, one is black one white
They are liberal Democrats and so I like them both
Others I can't tell if they're red or blue
But they're here on the street where I live.

And oh the curious feeling just to know so little at all
About these people I see now
Each day traverse the same path as the one I'm on.

People pass me by, they don't bother me
'Cause we're on the same old journey that we've always been
Let the time go by, I will care if I
Can't walk here on the street where I live.

A Dog's Life: Washington Waggers

Have you ever noticed that politicians look like dogs?  Take the quiz below and match the photographs with the following public figures: John Boehner, Michele Bachmann, Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi, Dick Cheney, and Paul Ryan.  Answers appear at the end (though multiple interpretations are acceptable--except for the basset hound and the bull terrier).

A) Afghan hound:
          

B) Basset hound:

C) Toy fox terrier:

                     

D) Chinese crested:

          

E) Bull terrier:
                                                                                            

F) Collie:
                                                                            
Answers: A) Nancy Pelosi  B) John Boehner  C) Paul Ryan  D) Michele Bachmann  E) Dick Cheney  F) Joe Biden

Gay Sera, Sera (Opus #2)

Yet another historic week for gay rights in America, for which my theme song is "Que Sera, Sera" or "Gay Sera, Sera."  Here's a new version to commemorate this week's hearings at the Supreme Court:

When the Court heard the marriage cases
Supporters rallied outside the hall
Colorful banners, humorous costumes
Just like a festive ball.

Gay sera, sera
Whatever will be will be,
The future's equality
Gay sera, sera.
What will be will be.

Seems that the usual strait-laced judges
Will rule the usual restrictive way
Creepy Scalia, cautious Alito,
Coke-drinking Clarence, too.

Gay sera, sera
Whatever will be will be,
The future's equality
Gay sera, sera.
What will be will be.

No matter what these judges do
Gay marriage is here and it will stay
Guys wearing black robes can't do much about
Who rolls with whom in hay.

Gay sera, sera
Whatever will be will be,
The future's equality
Gay sera, sera.
What will be will be.

Resurrection

Good news for those of you who occasionally doubt the events of Easter Sunday.  According to an item placed in The Butner Creedmoor News (NC), a "Visit With Jesus" was held this past Saturday at the First Baptist Church of Butner.  Pictures with Jesus were available for $3 each.

Take that, Doubting Thomas.

And happy Easter to all.

March Madness

My family tells me that brackets are all the rage, as the NCAA tournament eliminates one contender after another.  I've come up with my own bracket for a tournament called the PRPA--Problematic Republican Political Association.  As you'll see below, you choose from each pair the more objectionable politician and arrive at a winner.

John Boehner took my trophy, but you might come up with your own winner.  Give it a try and let me know who won your PRPA.