Gastrolinguistics

When I recently had an episode of what seemed like acid reflux, I consulted the next morning with my primary care physician--the internet.  Lots of sites popped up with descriptions of symptoms, treatments, risk factors, and the like, but what interested me most were the words themselves--ugly and unpleasant.  As I've written before, the medical profession seems especially taken with nasty words.  Here are some new definitions for the words that constitute the world of acid reflux and its more serious counterpart, GERD (gastroesophageal reflux disorder):

GERD--A nickname for Gertrude

Acid reflux--A series of repetitive LSD trips

Dyspepsia--The act of dissing Pepsi in favor of Coke

Regurgitation--The recitation of Gregorian chants

Lower esophageal sphincter--the part of the sphinx where the human head meets the lion's body

Hiatal hernia--a shell necklace made by indigenous Hawaiians

Dysphasia--A phase of the moon when the earth is most distant from the sun

Barium swallow--A species of aerial-feeding birds native to the barrier islands of Virginia and North Carolina

Esophageal manometry--A measuring device used to determine the age of Aesop's Fables

Endoscopy--A close examination of "Endymion," a poem by John Keats