Surgical Euphemisms

As an unfortunate veteran of large and small surgeries alike, I’ve come to recognize some of the turns of phrase that come between patient and doctor when the knife takes center stage:

1. When you hear the expression “just a small stick,” brace yourself for the possibility of several, painful needle insertions.

2. If a nurse tells you that you have disappearing veins, ask immediately for someone else. She won’t get your IV in place no matter how hard she tries.

3. Six-to-eight weeks of recovery usually means one-to-two years.

4. “We’ll send you home with pain medicine” doesn’t mean that you’ll get samples to tide you over. It means that you’ll leave with a paper prescription, and you’ll wait 20 minutes—doubled over with post-surgical agony—for your pharmacist to fill it.

5. Though arthroscopic surgery is presented as something simple and minimally invasive, it can generate an amazing amount of pain.

6. Ambulatory surgery by definition should mean that you can leave on foot; don’t count on this, however, if you’ve had foot surgery.

7. “You should be able to return to work in a week” may mean that, yes, technically, you can be at your desk. But how you get there and how you actually complete your tasks is another matter altogether.

8. “You will be glad you had this done,” spoken in reference to elective surgeries, may take years to realize.

9. The consent form means that you may die on the operating table.

10. That “the x-rays look good” on your follow-up visit will mean nothing to you. Your surgeon may point with great excitement to the new alignment of your bones, but you will still feel like hell.