Up the Water Spout

Mitt Romney's efforts to stay competitive--especially during these recent weeks when he's lost ground--remind me of the itsy bitsy spider's persistent climb.  Sing to the tune of this favorite nursery rhyme:

Candidate Mitt Romney just couldn't get it right
Down came the polls and made the race less tight.
Out came Obama and all that he stood for
And candidate Mitt Romney remade himself once more.

Insincerity

Mitt Romney re-invents himself every week.  Last week he was the rich guy in loafers, wearing no socks, commiserating with fellow Boca Ratoners about the 47% of us who mooch off the government.  This week he's in working-class Ohio feeling the pain of the same 47%: "My heart aches for the people I've seen," he said.

Holden Caulfield, the protagonist in J. D. Salinger's The Catcher in the Rye, would have no trouble understanding Mitt's latest caricature.  Caulfield tells his readers, "I am always saying 'Glad to've met you' to somebody I'm not at all glad I met.  If you want to stay alive, you have to say that stuff, though."

It's pretty easy to spot someone who's doing everything he can, however contradictory, to stay alive.  Perhaps this is why Mitt Romney is plummeting in the polls.

Cousins

Wouldn't Morgan and Marion be proud. . .

. . . of their youngest and oldest grandchildren?

Bumbling Mitt

What a week for Mitt Romney!  Sing to the tune of "Both Sides Now" by Judy Collins:

Olympic games, the Middle East,
I spoke my mind, I made my peace.
But no one thought I made much sense,
They said I made things tense.
And now old friends have turned away,
"You're losing ground" is what they say,
But something's lost and not much gained
In speaking every day.
I've tried to lead from both sides now
As corporate man and governor,
It's talking big that I recall,
I don't know how to lead at all.

Slouches, slugs, they don't work hard,
I told it straight to the old guard.
I said exactly what I meant
About the forty-seven percent.
But Mother Jones unearthed the clip,
And now I'm getting lots of lip
From folks on both the right and left
They all think I'm tone deaf.
I've looked at life from both sides now
From rich and rich and still somehow
It's life as privilege I recall
I really don't know life at all.

And the Winner Is. . .

The videotape released this week by Mother Jones is so priceless and revealing it's hard to know what to say.  Instead, I'll make some awards:

Best supporting actor: James Carter IV for discovering the footage and shepherding it towards publication--and for making his granddad proud.

Best critical review: David Brooks of The New York Times for his withering critique.  Click here if you missed it.

Best graphics representation: Andrew Morgan and Katy Waldman from Slate for their funny flow chart.  Answer questions like "Do you believe you're entitled to food?" and the chart will direct you to your preferred presidential candidate.

Best Gatsby-esque feature: The tinkling and clinking sounds of fine glassware, china, and silver that reverberate throughout the tape, as a backdrop to Mitt's ambling remarks.

Best (and most unusual) cinematographer: Deep Throat, whoever she or he may be, for shooting footage that makes you feel like a spy.

A Dog's Life: Another Girl and her Dog. . .

. . . are friends forever.

Sgt. Romney's One-Man Show

Mitt Romney has spent much of this campaign re-introducing himself every few weeks.  We met a new Mitt not long ago at the Republican National Convention, and this week he presented himself as a foreign policy chief--and pretty much blew it.  These never-ending introductions remind me of the Beatles' song "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band."

Well it was 20 years ago today
Willard Romney finally found a way
He’d been changing in and out of styles
Hoping he would generate some smiles
So may I introduce to you,
The act you’ve know for all these years
Willard Romney’s latest one-man show.

We’re Willard Romney’s latest one-man show
We hope you will enjoy what’s new
We’ve changed our minds on everything we could
So far from where we all once stood.
Health care, taxes, immigration and you name it
We’ll support whatever you say so.

It’s wonderful to be here,
It’s certainly a thrill,
You’re such a lovely audience, we’d like to take you home with us
We’d love to take you home.

We don’t really want to stop the show
But we thought you might like to know
That the man you’re all here to see
Is as changed as he can possibly be
So may we introduce to you
The one and only Mitt Romney
And Willard Romney’s latest one-man show!

In the Garden: Mushrooms

It's that time of year when warmth and moisture conspire to breed some of our yard's most interesting creatures.  These gilled fungi often look like extraterrestrial beings

or like they belong in a zoo.

Still others look like buttons and parasols:

When I googled "Mushrooms that look like coral," I learned that there's a type called Coral Mushrooms:

Once I saw a TV show that featured a guy in the mountains who grew his own morels.  They looked like this:

He encouraged viewers to follow his lead.  It didn't sound too hard.  I briefly entertained the idea, imagining how cool it would be to harvest my own morels, but soon realized that the grocery store was easier.

Survivors

In the midst of an otherwise stirring and inspiring convention, I found one moment unspeakably sad: when Gabrielle Giffords, the former Congresswoman from Tucson, led attendees in reciting the Pledge of Allegiance.  If you didn't see it, you can click here for a video replay; however, you may not wish to.  For you will be reminded of the painful fallout from gun violence.  Ms. Giffords, once a leader and thinker in her community, struggles like a child to get through her performance.

Perhaps not coincidentally, The Washington Post ran an article on Saturday about D.C. survivors of gun violence.  These are the lesser well-known, largely African-American men confined to wheelchairs for the rest of their lives.  In the support group they attend, they may learn from each other what it means to survive: "How a good day now might mean opening a soda bottle without help, or dialing a phone number on the first try, or putting a gun to [their heads] and not pulling the trigger."

Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick said in his speech on the convention's opening night, "It's time for Democrats to stiffen our backbone and stand up for what we believe."  He may not have been talking about gun violence, but I am.  While I'll reluctantly accept that it may be political suicide to tackle this problem in the midst of a presidential campaign, I won't accept silence from Democrats once re-elected.

Our party's platform states that "We can focus on effective enforcement of existing laws, especially strengthening our background check system, and we can work together to enact commonsense improvements--like reinstating the assault weapons ban and closing the gun show loophole--so that guns do not fall into the hands of those irresponsible, law-breaking few."

Is it too much to ask our elected officials to follow through?  I don't think so.

A Little Help from Ol' Bill

In his speech at the convention this week Bill Clinton made a better case to re-elect the President than anyone else did--including the President himself.  In the weeks ahead Barack Obama would do well to remind himself daily of the power of this key ally.  Here's a song he could sing, to the tune of "With A Little Help From My Friends," by the Beatles:

What would you think if I stood up with pride
And recited everything that I've done
Lend me your ears and I'll give you that list
And I'll try not to hide and run.

I get by with a little help from ol' Bill
I get high with a little help from ol' Bill
Gonna try with a little help from ol' Bill.

What do I do when Bill Clinton's not here
(Does it worry you to be alone?)
How do I feel by the end of the day
(Are you sad because you're on your own?)

No I get by with a little help from ol' Bill
I get high with a little help from ol' Bill
Gonna try with a little help from ol' Bill.

Do you need anybody?
I need Bill Clinton to win.
Could it be anybody?
It's got to be Mr. Bill.

Would you believe there's a living ex-prez
Who communicates with talent and skill?
(What should you do to make sure that you win?)
Guess I better make the best use of Bill.

I get by with a little help from ol' Bill
I get high with a little help from ol' Bill
Gonna try with a little help from ol' Bill

Do you need anybody?
I need Bill Clinton to win.
Could it be anybody?
It's got to be Mr. Bill.

I get by with a little help from ol' Bill,
I get high with a little help from ol' Bill
Oh I'm gonna try with a little help from ol' Bill,
With a little help from ol' Bill.

Honor Thy Blue-Collar Parents

For all of you working-class parents out there, it's your time to shine.  And the poorer you are, the better.  At least this is the message I take from both parties' political conventions.  Speakers are knocking themselves out to boast the humblest, most self-sacrificing parent on earth:

Ann Romney's father started working at 6 years old cleaning bottles in a small village in Wales.

Mitt Romney's father, born in Mexico, began as a carpenter.

Marco Rubio's father was a bartender, and his mother worked the overnight shift at K-Mart.

Paul Ryan's mother rode 40 miles on a bus each morning to earn a college degree.

Chris Christie's father grew up in poverty and worked at the Breyer's Ice Cream factory.

Michelle Obama's father was a pump operator at the city water plant.

Elizabeth Warren's father was a maintenance man, and her mother answered phones for Sears.

All of these people have in common the gift of unconditional love for their children, a good thing of course.  But you gotta wonder.  When did parents become so fashionable?  You didn't used to acknowledge even having parents, let alone brag about them--especially if they toiled away in low-paying jobs.

Blue-collar parents are cool, I guess, especially if you turned out OK.  If you didn't, well never mind, you won't make it to a speaker's podium anyway.  Besides, with all of the money flowing through these two campaigns' coffers, you won't matter a whole heck of a lot. 

Talk is cheap, after all.  Isn't that what Paul Ryan's father used to say?*

(*Actually he used to say, "You can be part of the problem, or you can be part of the solution"--but who cares about facts?)

War on Fathers

It seems as though Ann and Mitt Romney, in their speeches last week, decided to shift the Republican attack on women to an attack on fathers.  It was weird, I thought.  Ruth Marcus, writing in The Washington Post, dissects Mrs. Romney's patronizing remarks.  Marcus rightly calls Mrs. Romney's speech "objectifying and demeaning" in citing quotes like these: "It's the moms who always have to work a little harder, to make everything right.  It's the moms of this nation--single, married, widowed--who really hold this country together."

Mitt picked up on the theme Thursday night when he said, "I knew that [Ann's] job as a mom was harder than mine.  And I knew without question that her job as a mom was more important than mine."  Really?

I guess these comments are meant to flatter mothers, but they end up insulting everyone, especially fathers.  It's almost as if the Romneys are suggesting that fathers are superfluous in children's lives, which couldn't be farther from the truth.  We may argue at home, as I'm sure many of us do, about who works harder raising children in a family; but to suggest that one parent is more important than another discounts the magic that works in any family to launch children into the world.

Mitt Romney is disturbingly out of touch.  Or is he always acting a part?  If so, he doesn't do a very good job.

Republican Women as Mary Magdalene

It must be hard being a Republican woman right now, especially if you're a teeny bit moderate.  How do you support Mitt Romney and the party's right-wing, misogynist agenda?  Maybe you don't.  Pretend you're a chorus of Republican women and sing to the tune "I Don't Know How to Love Him" from Jesus Christ Superstar.

We don't know how to love Mitt
What to do, how to back him
We've been hurt, yes really hurt.
In these past few months, when we've seen ourselves
Insulted and demeaned.

We don't know how to take this
We don't see why he slights us
He's a man.  Just a white man,
And we've had so many white men before,
In very many ways,
He's just one more.

Should we bring him down?
Should we scream and shout?
Should we speak of NOW
Let our feelings out?
We never thought we'd come to this
What's it all about?

Don't you think it's rather funny,
We should be in this position?
We've made gains, so many gains
We've worked, we've fought, we've done our best
Running every show.
He scares us so.

We never thought we'd come to this
What's it all about?

Yet, if he beats Obama
We'll be lost, we'll be frightened
We couldn't cope, just couldn't cope
We'd turn our heads, we'd back away
We wouldn't want to know.
He scares us so
He brings us low
Stay home, vote no.